Autism Assessment Part 2: Reviewing Through Life
Hey bestie,
I had my second autism assessment session and reviewing back through my life I see all the little things that were ignored when I was younger.
All the things that made me “weird” or “other” or difficult to fit in with peers is actually normal and likely because of my autism.
I had strong reactions and opinions about certain subjects. Lots of deep knowledge about subjects that interested me.
I was yelled at and terrorized if my grades weren’t perfect so I learned to excel in school to be accepted.
My mom had learned a lot about beauty and fitting in when she was in Vegas so I followed her lead.
Beauty became a special interest. So did theater. These two interests helped me learn how to mask and mask well at a very young age. I paid attention to the posture, tone, volume, every possible note or tip I could pick up. I swore if I became an actor I would only method act because that produced the best results. I’ve also been method acting through life as a neurotypical person (it’s exhausting).
I didn’t realize, of course, that’s what I was doing.
Combing through my life all these things that brought me anxiety now don’t. I have not had the results of my assessment yet, but the signs were always there and just ignored.
I did a project on autism in high school to better understand my boyfriend at the time’s cousin who had autism (very stereotypical presentation for a young boy). While I did that project I noticed a lot of similarities in the symptoms with things I did and didn’t think anything of it. Surely, if I had autism, someone would have noticed by the time I was 16, right? Right?!? No, because at the end of the day no one wanted me to be. It would have been too inconvenient for everyone else in my life. If there was a problem as long as we didn’t get it checked out it did not exist. Plus my grandfather did not believe in mental health care (wouldn’t you know it he would be the source of the autism genetically). His experience is text book autism. My mom was pretty clear too. I was probably the only of the three that had a chance at passing in normal society and I got a D+ maybe a C- at best.
My “toe walking” was rolling my feet on the side which was less noticeable in shoes until the sole wore down on only certain spots. Affinity with animals. Social issues. Not understanding when others are “very clear” in their directions. Have unwritten rules I expect myself and everyone to follow that I haven’t communicated outside my own head and don’t consciously recognize until it’s asked about.
Things I’ve never told anyone except this assessor because I’ve been looked at like a weirdo enough that I know certain things are for my brain only now. Certain experiences that are so embarrassing and humiliating for me that I only replay them in my head and try to figure out where I messed up and how to do it better in the future so I never have to experience that again.
Some neurotypical people subconsciously can identify autistic individuals and they “just don’t like them” but can’t figure out why. I was on the receiving end of this quite often growing up. The best friend of one of my closest friends is like this. She’s never liked me. She puts on her best fake face but I’ve always been able to see through it just never understood what I did to make her dislike me that much. The answer - nothing because I barely had opportunities to interact with her so it was just my autism she was sensing.
Working so darn hard so that maybe I can retire like my grandfather did and have actual time for my special interests like I used to before I turned 13. It’s been a long time since I really let myself fully indulge a special interest and it’s also probably why my special interests ending coming in the place of rabbit holes.
Just because I got really good at hiding all the struggles and difficulties I face every day doesn’t make my experience any less valid. I know there will be people who think I was misdiagnosed or are ready to say it’s just trauma, but no offense to those people I’ve healed trauma. I know what it feels like when trauma starts to heal and I can tell when something is not “healing” because it’s not trauma.
These things I can’t seem to heal I want to know how to work with so I can feel safe and at home in my own body. At 32, I still feel like I’m learning how my own body works.
To be fair, I was diagnosed with ADHD at 26 and that late diagnosis changed a lot. Prior to that I thought I was just a very anxious person and everything could be explained by anxiety. I was normal, but anxious. Then I had ADHD and was anxious and just a little awkward. My symptoms have been explained away my entire life and I’m done pretending I’m someway that I’m not. I no longer want to have to mask in my own home and pretend that symptoms I’ve been desperately hiding for so long I forgot I was doing it don’t exist. They are there. You don’t see them because of all the mental work I do day in and day out to appear normal.
The signs I can’t hide are my twitching eyebrow and when I have a memory and my eyes go wide. My wife says I look at her like she’s crazy, but I’m actually seeing a memory of a past moment. Like seeing pictures when you read books but with a memory instead.
It makes more sense that my mom’s mutism at a young age, social struggles, and behaviors like mine are from the same thing as mine. Sure, I was a fast speaker and developer generally, but the signs were still there.
Women’s experience with autism is only now starting to be understood better. I’m sure there will be armchair skeptics ready to tell me a professional diagnosed me wrong, but the sense of peace this whole process is giving me about my entire life and that there’s hope I’m not some broken traumatized mess beyond help. I’m a mother with autism and ADHD who healed and is healing from some trauma but that really just needs some support to navigate the world better as an autistic person.
I find out for sure in the results session this week, but it finally feels like things make sense.
Love,
